Social media feeds, group chats, and online gaming spaces can sometimes expose boys to unkind or harmful interactions. For example, some jokes made in these spaces are intended to put someone down, encourage others to “pile on,” or gang up on someone. Over time, repeated exposure to—and social approval of—these behaviors can influence what boys perceive to be an acceptable way to treat others.
There are multiple types of responses to witnessing a harmful situation. Those who witness and have the opportunity to intervene are considered “bystanders.” Some bystanders stay silent while others take action in ways that can either help or harm. When a young person chooses to act intentionally to interrupt harm and support someone who is being targeted, they are being an “upstander” (sometimes called an “active bystander” or “defender”). Upstanders notice when someone is being hurt online and choose to step in, offer support, or get help.
Boys can help maintain safer digital spaces in practical ways without putting themselves at risk—even if the prospect of stepping in feels difficult. Quick, cautious, and intentional action from boys, such as changing the subject to a safe topic or documenting harm they witness, can interrupt harmful behavior. When observing cruel behavior, many boys want to help but hesitate because they aren’t sure what to say, they worry they’ll make it worse, or they fear becoming the next target or being labeled a “tattletale or “snitch.”
Naming the challenges that come with being an upstander can help boys feel less alone and make it easier for them to act as upstanders. Teaching boys specific, skill-based strategies can also help them feel more prepared to step in to help others, when it is safe to do so.
This practice guide is intended to facilitate conversations between parents (and other caretakers) and boys, and to provide strategies to support and prepare boys for encountering harmful behavior online.
Quick takeaways
Safety should always come first when acting as an upstander. Intervening as an upstander is a crucial part of violence prevention, and parents should remind boys to always put safety first. If the person causing harm is older, threatening, or acting as part of a group, direct intervention may not be safe. In these situations, the right move is likely to step back and report the behavior to a trusted adult or higher authority (e.g., report the incident in a social media app).
Remind boys that they aren’t responsible for stopping every harmful situation. Choosing a safe option—like reporting the situation or checking on a friend afterward—still counts as being an upstander.
Understanding what is happening in the moment can help boys decide how to respond. For example, observing whether harmful behavior consists of just one rude comment, or of several people harassing or piling on as a group, can inform a young person’s potential upstander response.
Selecting the right approach to being an upstander
Young people can take a range of actions, sometimes referred to as the 5 D’s, to address harm they see online. Caring adults can encourage boys to prioritize safety and consider the context as they choose the option that feels safest.
The first four options are indirect and designed to promote safety. Remind young people that some of the most helpful actions happen quietly, like checking on a friend in a private message or reporting a post anonymously.
Distract: Change the subject of the conversation to interrupt the moment and shift the discussion toward content that is neutral.
Example: In a group chat, someone posts a mean comment about a classmate. Because that classmate is not in the group chat, a boy looking to be an upstander could ignore the negative comment and redirect attention with a new topic like, “Who’s joining the game tonight?”
Delegate: Bring the incident to the attention of a responsible party. Boys can use the report, block, or mute features, either online or in-app, or ask a trusted adult or peer for help.
Example: A boy notices someone posting hurtful comments on a classmate’s TikTok. He reports those comments using the platform’s reporting feature and tells a parent, teacher, or school counselor so the person being targeted gets support.
Document: Discreetly screenshot or screen-record the incident to document its occurrence. If the situation involves any sexual image of a minor, do not save or screenshot the image itself; instead, take a screenshot of the surrounding text or comments and tell a trusted adult right away.
Example: Someone shares a mean photo (i.e., one that makes a peer look bad on purpose, perhaps with a cruel caption) in an Instagram story. A boy screenshots it privately to show a trusted adult or report it later, keeping the situation documented.
Delay: When it seems unsafe to intervene in the moment, check on those targeted after the incident.
Example: A boy can send a direct message to the targeted person: “I saw that [refer to the situation]. I’m sorry that happened. Want me to report it with you?”
The last option—being direct—should be considered when the context of a situation suggests that the safety of the boy or his peers will not be in jeopardy.
Direct: When it is safe to directly intervene in the moment, ask the person to stop their behavior.
Example: A boy sees a peer being harassed in a Discord chat. He replies directly in the chat: “That’s not okay. Please stop,” or, “Let’s be respectful. Everyone deserves to feel safe here.”
Teaching boys to be upstanders at home
Parents and caregivers can help boys build the confidence and skills they need to act as upstanders. Encourage boys to practice these skills even when the behavior isn’t aimed at them. Practicing can build confidence before something serious happens.
- Review the 5 D’s and identify which ones feel safest.
- Practice roleplaying scenarios where the child speaks up for themself or a friend.
- Save two example direct message scripts to the boy’s Notes app for a quick copy and paste when needed.
- Help them do a “social media feed tune-up.” Review and adjust boys’ social media accounts (e.g., accounts followed, content settings) to minimize exposure to harmful content and promote positive online experiences.
- Create a group chat charter with clear rules—for example, no piling on, no sharing private images, pause before posting or sharing, and no jokes that put someone down. Pin this charter to the top of the group chat.
- If a boy ever joins in on a hurtful joke or shares something they regret, remind them they can repair by apologizing, removing the post, and doing better next time.
The tips shared in this blog are designed to help parents and caregivers teach their boys to be upstanders. By understanding their options and practicing safe responses, boys can take meaningful actions to create safer digital spaces for themselves and their peers.
Suggested citation
Logan, D., & Wilson, A.C. (2026). Guidance for parents on encouraging boys to be upstanders against harmful behavior. Child Trends. DOI: 10.56417/672t9754r