Talking to Boys About Pornography Can Support Healthy Relationships and Prevent Violence

Violent and harmful pornography can influence real-world violence. Some online pornography includes scenarios that may be considered unacceptable, violent, harmful, or even illegal in real life. Research has linked violent pornography consumption to in-person acts of violence, including sexual violence. In one study, 52 percent of teens reported seeing pornography “depicting what appears to be rape, choking, or someone in pain.” Exposure to violent pornography has been linked with higher rates of engagement in real-life violence, including teen dating violence and nonsexual violence, although the evidence does not imply a clear cause-and-effect relationship.

When youth engage in sexting (i.e., sharing nude images of themselves or peers), they risk breaking laws with harsh consequences for their future. Nude or explicit images—often shared as part of “sexting”—can be considered pornography. Researchers estimate that nearly one in four youth have shared or received explicit images before age 18. Importantly, the creation, possession, and sharing of nude images depicting minor children is illegal, and, under some state laws, may be considered child pornography punishable as a felony. In some states, minors may be required to register as sex offenders if adjudicated delinquent of a sexting offense. Apart from its legal consequences, existing evidence suggests that sexting can have negative developmental consequences for youth, particularly when images of someone are shared without their consent or one receives unwanted explicit images. Acts such as sharing or receiving unwanted sexts are related to negative outcomes for young people’s mental health and well-being.

Parent communication matters. Research demonstrates that teens whose parents are more involved in monitoring them (i.e., knowing where they are and who they are with) are less likely to engage in a variety of risk behaviors, including those related to sex and sexting. In the digital world, parental monitoring could include knowing what media youth are exposed to, including pornography, and having conversations to address the impact of this media. For example, research suggests that parents report less problematic internet use by their children in families who are closer and more involved with one another. Researchers also emphasize the importance of early awareness of online risks and education for youth about digital safety—a sentiment teenagers seem to share.

Strategies for talking with teens

• Choose an appropriate time. Look for opportunities to start the discussion when you are in a private place—away from the teen’s peers or siblings—and free from distractions. This could be when you are alone while driving, or on a walk together.
• Be honest, calm, and nonjudgmental. Begin the conversation casually—for example, by acknowledging that your teen may have seen things online that he didn’t want to see, including pornography. Stay calm and continue to engage in the conversation, even if initial attempts are dismissed.
• Emphasize openness to conversations. Acknowledge that these types of conversations can feel awkward but that you are always willing to answer questions and provide support. Follow through on your assurances and approach future conversations with the same honesty and calmness.

What to say

Use simple, straightforward language. It might depend on your child’s age, but—generally—you should use correct terminology and say exactly what you want to convey instead of being indirect or making jokes. Be clear what pornography is created for, and what it is not. You can also remind boys that pornography can show relationships between people that are harmful or inappropriate in real life. For example, some pornography use among men is associated with the sexual objectification of women. Helpful conversational phrases might include:

• “Porn is made to entertain adults, not to teach about real relationships. Just like in your favorite movie or TV shows, sometimes it can be easy to forget that the people on the screen are actors.”
• “It often does not show things like consent and feelings or emotions, which are very important parts of sex in real life.”
• “Porn also sometimes shows aggressive acts as if they’re normal. If you see anything like that online, please don’t assume it’s how sex should be. Take a break, come talk to me, and ask questions.”

Address sexting, too. As a form of pornography, nude images are illegal when involving minors. You can communicate this and assure support for your teen. For example, say, “If you’re ever pressured to send an image or someone sends you one you didn’t ask for, don’t respond—save the messages (but not any sexual pictures), tell me, and we’ll make a plan to address the issue.” For professionals working with young people, conversations about such topics—including sexting—present a range of legal and ethical complications, so these conversations may best start at home. Given potential legal ramifications, parents should discourage youth from engaging in any sexting or, at minimum, communicate about safe practices when using technology.

Remind them of potential consequences. Even when boys don’t realize it, they may be internalizing messages from pornography about intimacy and relationships with other people in real life, particularly women. You can say things like, “Watching pornography can make it harder to enjoy relationships and intimacy later on.”

Share your values and beliefs. Families differ in how they talk about relationships and sex. Use conversations as an opportunity to share the values and beliefs you’d like to instill about relationships and intimacy, and how these might relate to pornography consumption online.

Simply viewing pornography does not mean that a person will become violent or experience other negative outcomes. However, there can be harm for young people who consume pornography—especially pornography that depicts violence or perpetuates harmful stereotypes or narratives. Talking to boys about pornography is just one of many healthy practices that can help them learn developmentally appropriate information about healthy relationships.

For additional information about reducing the possibilities of harm to boys online, please check out our other resources:

• Blog: 5 Ways to Help Boys Use Tech Respectfully
• Practice guide: Guidance for Parents on Encouraging Boys to Be Upstanders Against Harmful Behavior
• Brief: Helping Boys Navigate Harmful Online Influences

Remember: These conversations are about relationships, not just screens. When boys learn that real intimacy includes consent, respect, and care, they may be better prepared to build healthy relationships and reject content that normalizes harm.